Clarifying Agreements Before you go Play!
So you’re going to Touch&Play, or Burning Man, or Dark Odyssey for the first time… and you want to know what conversation to have with your partner(s)? Awesome, I love that you’re already considering the desires you have AND how to create clarity with your partner.
These questions can open a courageous and compassionate conversation. This can also support you in discovering expectations that you may not have realized you have. As you enter the conversation be mindful of distinguishing together what is an expectation and what is an agreement. An expectation may be a frustration or disappointment waiting to happen. So if you discover an expectation celebrate that you are seeing it now before it becomes a reason to make your partner wrong. Then look at it together and see if there’s a request you’d like to make or an agreement you’d like to create.
What’s your intention for exploring with new people? Is there a way you would love your partner to celebrate and support that intention?
Is there a specific juicy exploration you would like to have with your partner during the festival? Sometimes scheduling sexy time together gives you something to look forward to and affirm your connection amidst a more improvisational flow.
Consider that sharing intimacy can mean many creative ways to connect including sharing a sensual dance, running sexual energy with clothes on, letting someone witness you when you are experiencing eros, or sharing words with romantic intention… Clarify what your desires and fantasies are so you can see what agreements will support your partnership.
Would you like to share a bed or tent? Or would it be easier if you had your own space. Consider how it might be if one of you wants to play with someone new in your shared space. Or would you like to designate this space as unique to your partnership?
If your partner has sex with a new person clarify what safer sex barriers and communication would have you feeling considered and respected. Consider if you have a specific request if the new person is someone who also knows you (as a friend, a client, a previous lover…). Read my guide to communication with a new playmate.
Are there specific people you prefer your partner not play with? Or play with in a more contained way? What is the concern underneath this request? What’s the best way to address this concern together?
How much would you like to know about your partner’s experiences of intimacy with others? Is there a specific way that would make it easier or more fun for you to hear about? Remember you can always use a safeword if you want to pause or slow down the sharing so you can stay present.
Recognize that it’s normal for you to have moments of discomfort or contraction. Consider who are some of your support people (friends at the event, friends back home, therapist, coach, or mentor) who can be waiting in the wings if you want some support to show up as the person you want your partner to be in relationship with. Would you like to make an agreement that your partner can interrupt you having a connection with someone else to get support from you? If not, when would be a good time for your partner to check in? How would you like your partner to let you know that support is desired?
Thank you for having the courage to have this conversation with your partner. What a powerful way to support each others’ desires and growth as loving erotic adventurers.